In many ways, medicine has prepared me to be a productive and upstanding member of society. So it’s interesting that the practice of medicine also violates every rule of etiquette my mother taught me in childhood. Some examples follow.
1) Don’t stare.
As doctors, we inspect everything intensely. It’s our job. In fact, every medical student is taught that the first step of physical examination is Inspection. If a patient comes in with a strange mole on his groin, we’ll look at it.
And look at it.
And look at it.
What’s more, we’ll write all of our observations in the chart, using colorful, flowery adjectives. This applies to lacerations, scars, insect bites, birthmarks, rashes, natural orifices, hair distribution, fungal infestations, and bodily secretions. We may even take measurements.
And then, to add insult to injury, we may even ask one of our colleagues to look at it.
2) Keep your hands to yourself.
Doctors constantly violate this rule. In fact, some of us routinely stick our fingers “where the sun don’t shine.” Interestingly, we are the only members of society who can do this without facing assault charges. If anyone else tries it, they get 10 years to life and a hefty monetary fine.
But when a doctor does it, he/she gets a comfortable salary and maybe even a grudging “Thanks, Doc.”
3) Don’t nag.
“Your cholesterol is still high.”
“Have you been taking your medications?”
“I see you haven’t stopped smoking yet.”
“You’re overdue for your mammogram.”
“And when are you going to get your colonoscopy?”
4) Don’t make people cry.
I don’t wake up in the morning and say, “Yes! Today I will make someone cry!” Honest.
But sometimes it happens, especially with patients admitting their depression for the first time. And sometimes it’s an emotional breakthrough–a necessary part of their recovery.
5) Don’t ask personal questions.
“How’d you get that scar?” (Because you never mentioned having abdominal surgery.) I get a lurid story about how you flipped over the handlebars of your bicycle as a kid and had to have your spleen removed.
“Where’d you get that tattoo?” (Because I want to know if you’re at risk for Hepatitis C.) I get a lurid story of Girls’ Night Out with the Chippendales in Vegas ten years ago.
“How’s your sex life?” (Because I want to know if you’re having trouble with erectile dysfunction.) I get a lurid story…
…Well. You get the picture.
Are there any items you would add to this list?…
